Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
