How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
