Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
