He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
