If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
