Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
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Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
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