I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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