my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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