Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
