So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
