i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
