my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
