if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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