Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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