No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
