Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
