I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
