The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
