party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
