the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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