Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
