Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
