my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
