I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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