There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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