he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
