you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
