so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
