Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
