I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
