I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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