it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
