Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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