false alarm. still invincible.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
