Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My feet surprised me
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