I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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