was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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