i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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