The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
