The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
