Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
