Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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