His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
