2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you didnt know i had herpes?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
