The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
