"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
