I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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