i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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