it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
