i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize