I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
