I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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