can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
