did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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