I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
