saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
