i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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