Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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