I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
as a side note pls kill me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?