I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money