Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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