she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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